I mourned there, and I thought about how sometimes when things die, you want to die with them.
Then I got up, and i made a plaque in loving memory.
I put it where the friendship died and thought about life after death.
(plaque reads: In loving memory of the friendship of Julia and Nancy. May the memories of your creativity and love overcome those of your painful passing.)
1 comment:
dear friendship,
again i am here, wondering if you can be revived, wishing you werent gone,
i miss you.
i miss you.
i miss you.
i thought about laying flowers at your plaque today but i don't have any money and i cant think of any flowers to pick.
maybe i am just too lazy.
you were such a strong and beautiful thing, now that you are gone, i can see the reinforcement that you gave to parts of me that aren't appreciated by anyone but nancy.
i wrote a long journal entry today
about yesterday
when i found yet another painful detail about your passing
that made me hurt so so badly
and hearing more criticism about the part i played in your death by another friend...
another friend
another fight
more crying about unappreciated giving and love
familiar.
is this a cycle?
are all of my friendships going to die?
it makes me hurt so much to contemplate this.
do i kill all of my friendships?
is this my fault?
was your death entirely my fault?
i want to believe in myself
and be willing to change whatever
i need to change
at the same time.
i need to know what to believe in
and know what to change.
i wrote a letter to nancy last week
saying i wish we could start something new
a new relationship
i missed you.
i didn't send it,
i wasn't ready,
part of me just doesn't want to bother her anymore
i don't feel like any of my effort has been
welcomed
appreciated
wanted.
but i thought i would try one more time
i thought i had the strength to love her
without resentment
without pain
without disappointment
without fear
but after seeing what i saw yesterday
the pain came rushing back.
you are gone.
you are gone.
you are gone.
i miss you.
i loved you.
i still do.
i wish i hadn't been angry.
i wish i would have listened
without being defensive.
i wish i could've just listened.
i am so so so
sorry for being part of your death,
you were such an amazing thing.
i don't want to let anything else die
the way you did
i want control
i want humbleness
i want the ability to see the big picture
i want the ability to hold onto pain
instead of letting it turn to anger.
atleast that is one good thing that has come from your death,
i have learned the preciousness of a friendship,
and how it is more valuable than any short lived satisfaction from a good come back, a spiteful retort, the feeling of being right, the feeling of being wronged, the hot energy of anger...
once again
i have to say it
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
love,
julia
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